Archive for December, 2012

Come Fly With Me Saga-Finale

Posted in The Usual Dirties with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012 by Succubus a.k.a. Eve Incognito

I confided in a dear friend of mine and shared all the things that had transpired with blue-eyed pilot and me. There was only a little more to fill in—my friend had already been privy to how I wanted him, how I chased him, how I got him, how I fell for him, how he started to let me in, how the EX girlfriend came back on scene…and now, all that was missing from the story was how it would end. I spilled me heart to my dear friend, and this friend, knowing me the way that they do, all the things we had been through, the years we’ve grown to know each other inside and out, advised that I let go. I knew this was the answer; I didn’t want it to be. Until the arrival of the ex, it actually felt like something real was building; in an instant, it changed, so was it as real as it seemed?

My dear friend advised that it was time to cut line—this was true at least week before that line was actually cut. I had held on to a feeble hope that what it had been, it could be again. But it wasn’t, it couldn’t be with her present. And even knowing that she would be leaving again soon, I hated the idea of being a ‘second pick’. Since her return, I had asked blue-eyed pilot for honesty—I didn’t want gruesome detail, but we had agreed that he would be open about the goings on between them, since it affected the goings on between he and I. I found myself constantly having to ask and pry information from him—it’s not my style. I didn’t like being made to feel like a fool and I wasn’t going to be strung along for convenience. To be frank, I was getting tired of the chase—chasing information, chasing time with him…I was more exhausted than what my exercise regimen does to me—emotionally and physically.   

I had made up my mind that ‘breaking up’ was best for everyone: I wouldn’t have to spin my wheels chasing this boy, he wouldn’t have to say he’s making ‘difficult decisions’, and she would be none the wiser,  since she knows nothing about me at all (which really is the best part of this whole outcome). One evening last week, Pilot and I spent some time together—after time had passed, I proclaimed that I was going to leave. He laid his head on my lap for awhile and I ran my fingers through his hair—his eyes were closed and I sat there and stared at him; I hated that this was about to be over—he had made me feel things I hadn’t felt in far-too-long…thinking about it though, jealousy was a major one that I felt…and from a person who is not the jealous type, that’s very uncomfortable. I slid his head from my lap and stood up. I walked outside; he walked behind me. I initiated the ‘break up’ and explained how it was best and I was doing him a favor—he asked me not to do it, he asked me to not let this go. He pleaded that I shelf the idea of quitting whatever this was…I was happy he didn’t want me to walk away from it, but my gut and my heart told me it was best to cut ties. I affirmed that my decision was made and I started to leave. His pleas continued and he seemed so sincere in his bemused state. Against my best judgment, I agreed to shelf the matter.

Between that moment and the next time we met up, his communication was sporadic at best, where before, it was fairly regular (it’s become less and less since her return); his time for me was also very much at a loss—he was substituting OUR time for THEIR time. In the absence of our usual communication, my head and my gut were more than happy to communicate with me, chastising me for being such an idiot, for letting down my guard, and for not following though on my intentions days before. Why did I like him so quickly? Why did he let me? What were these feelings for him? Where was my trusty guard? My anger shifted back and forth between me and him—I was mad at myself for believing this was being reciprocated; I was mad at him for not being honest about his availability. I was angry at myself for still wanting and missing him; I was angry at him for his immaturity and how he’d handled the whole thing. I was annoyed at and disappointed in myself for not immediately running away at the sign of emotional danger; I was annoyed at and disappointed in his disregard for my feelings as he allowed them to be trumped. But upon our next meeting, I followed through on what I meant to do days before, and he let it slip away will little fight…and I knew at that moment it was already dead in the water.

I still have to fly with him; he is my instructor. To say the very least, it takes every ounce of emotional strength I have to pretend like things aren’t bothering me, and they are. It’s hard to produce a laugh that isn’t there when he tries joking, a smile that I don’t have when he smiles at me. Ladies and gentlemen, this one broke me, and all the tiny little pieces of my heart that I started to give to him. I hate that this hurts the way it does; I hate that I can still produce tears for this situation. My dear friend reminded me of my alter ego—the one that survives, the one that feels no pain, the one that has endured through too many storms to recount…the Id to my Ego and Super-Ego. My friend had to remind me again of whom I was, because I had lost pieces of Eve somewhere in blue-eyed pilot’s attention and affection. Do I/did I know better? Absolutely. But I liked him—I still do…and it still hurts.

“There are certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake but you don’t really know it’s a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, “Yup, that was a mistake”. So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’ll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not.” A Lily quote.

xoxo-Eve~

At Home

Posted in The Usual Dirties with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012 by Succubus a.k.a. Eve Incognito

For Come Fly With Me Saga-Finale–if you’re reading this, THIS is the song I was talking about.

Hindsight

Posted in The Usual Dirties with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2012 by Succubus a.k.a. Eve Incognito

Had I known I would end up here, had I known that THIS is how I was going to have to feel, had I known that I could hurt like this and feel so helpless and vulnerable, I would have never done it. Okay, maybe I would have because I live in a place in my mind that constantly tells me to live with no regrets…chase what I want….it may payoff…..and then I do THIS….only to feel regret PLUS other emotions that I can’t say I’ve felt in years, and obviously, have not gotten easier to deal with since the last time I felt this way.

Four solid hours worth of tears and I felt no better, so I went to bed. I slept, I woke up, I slept, I woke up…..I’ve been up since one this morning….I assume he’s with her and it hurts. All this thought and turmoil with no relief and it hurts. I just want it to stop and it won’t….and it hurts.

She was already here–here I was trying to prep myself for when she would return; I tried to be the bigger person about things….an adult in a very less-than-adult situation….and she was already here. He very deliberately chose not to tell me, and that hurt, too. Yes, of course he was trying to ‘save my feelings’—but let me ask you, friends–would you rather know something and hurt because of it or have to pry the information from someone you care about only to find out said person is hiding things from you, and then hurt. I can say option two hurt pretty bad. And to think, the wonderful day we had, the amazing time we spent together two days ago–he already knew she was here and he kept if from me. It would have been nice to know so, in retrospect, it didn’t seem so forced…so fake. Between him and I, I have been absolutely honest…..and it bothers me that he has not been the same. Maybe he’s just stringing me along…. What a way to start something. I’ve spent years of my life learning how to overcome the thought that every man will lie to me to get what they want; that one guy, my true love broke me and for so long, I’ve had to try to think that it’s not always like that, trying and finally finding the ability to take people (men) at their word. And then he happened–and because it’s HIM, it hurts worse….and I didn’t MEAN to feel this way for him and I didn’t WANT to feel this way for him….but I do. Just tell me how to stop this feeling and I will.

I want to spend time with him–I love the time we spend together; but I hate to feel like I’m there with him because he feels bad, or because he feels obligated, or because it’s convenient, or I’m the hook. He tells me that my feelings for him are greater than what he feels for me….I get it, okay? You poor thing–being pined over by a great person.

With his lease ending soon, he will be needing to move, and I, like a fool, am trying to help him find a place of his own–holding on to the hope that time with me is as precious as my time with him. But I suppose, now that she’s back, the reasonable, most logical step for him is to move back in with her….and he probably will…and this will abruptly cease and any hope that I may be clinging to will have to die off and I’ll feel like this again.

I woke up this morning at one and realized I still feel like this and nothing has changed and it’s slipping away and there’s nothing I could do to stop it.

Hurt-For Hindsight

Posted in The Usual Dirties on December 3, 2012 by Succubus a.k.a. Eve Incognito